Monday, September 12, 2011

The Mighty Rewrite - Write on Wednesday

This one was tough because I think extremely highly of Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner. Hopefully I didn't disgrace it too much. To join in or read the other contributions go here.


Original paragraph:
    I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day in the winter of 1975. I remember the exact moment, crouching behind a crumbling wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past has a way of clawing its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years.

My rewrite:
    I didn't plan for any of it to happen. If I had known he would turn out this way I never would have wasted a second thought on him. It was what I saw that day on a frigid overcast day in the winter of 1975 that changed my life forever. I remember the precise moment, hiding behind an old dumpster with the wind from the frozen lake chilling me. It was a long time ago, but I've learned that what they say about being able to bury the past is wrong. The past has a way of forcing its way back into our lives. Looking back, I realize I've been stuck in that moment in time for the last twenty-six years.

Comments and constructive criticism always welcome!

15 comments:

K.D.Storm said...

You did a great job on this. Now I am wanting to read the Kite Runner.

Sarah Mac said...

It is really hard isn't it. To take the words written by someone you admire so much and to make them you own.

I think you did a really good job with this.

TV said...

This is really good, you kept the structure really well.

Car said...

A difficult task this week, but you did it justice. I got caught up in your re-write and it flowed beautifully.

I must admit this has made me want to attempt a re-read of the Kite Runner, I originally read it during the 'hype' and didn't enjoy it to it's full potential because of that hype.

Stephanie said...

Wow! Beautiful description! I have yet to read the Kite Runner, but I am going to make time to read this book.
You did a nice job with keeping the mood of the scene. Lovely writing!! :)

Jodie Ansted said...

Great job on this. Really well done. I loved it.

Anne said...

After reading everyone's submissions this week, I'm getting a long list of 'must reads'. LOL It sounds like a great story and something I can resonate with. Great work.

Anne @ Domesblissity xx

Eloise said...

I really enjoyed your re-write, if anything it seemed to provide a bit more information than the original. Well done x

Lene said...

I have not yet read the Kite Runner, but you've made me want to run out and buy it now!

I also found this week's excercise very difficult but I think you've done a lovely job here and written this really well.

Adam said...

Good stuff!

Andy said...

Wow! You're just an inch away from the original paragraph. Very vivid imagery and flows beautifully. Great work!=)

Smiles,


Andy

Jayne said...

I have The Kite Runner sitting in my pile to books to read. I absolutely loved A Thousand Splendid Suns. I love this so much-both the original and your rewrite. Awesome.

asampler said...

I liked this - it felt sparse & chilly, moody. Well done.

InkPaperPen said...

I understand your hesitation with this week's exercise. It feels wrong to rewrite such brilliant words, but the exercise is more about studying the style, content and sentence structure than making a better version of the original The exercise was about using their style to inspire your content and you absolutely nailed it! I really liked what you came up with!

Gill x

Sif said...

I didn't realise Kite Runner was such a recent book - will have to look it up to find out what that moment was!

You rewrote it well. It definitely had the same more, and interpreted the meaning clearly as well!